Since when is my name a synonym for head?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
