I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize