I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
