If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
