I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
