I met the friendliest cop last night
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
