Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
