there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
