that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
