Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
