You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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