So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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