The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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