Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
