my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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