i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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