guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
