All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
