Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
