I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
