Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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