Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
