I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
