Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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