she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
