i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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