I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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