yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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