I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
