Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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