ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
