you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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