I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I wish I could teleport
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
