when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
