I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
