nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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