I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
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