I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
