I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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