please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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