my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
