she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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