At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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