She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
