Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
