At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
