I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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