he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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