this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize