why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
