I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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