I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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