he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
