I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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