I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
