Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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