hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
