I faked an abortion last night.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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