Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
