I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
