I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
