I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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