remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
