I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
and you fell through a lawn chair
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i out mim tonsoeep
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
